Never Say Goodbye
by Lady Callista
Summary: Kurt has a heart to heart with his Christmas present on how things went so wrong. Cannon compliant.


Dislaimer: _Glee_ belongs to FOX, and its creator, writers, producers, etc. I am making no money from this, and no copywrite infringement is intended.

AN: Yes, it's been done before. Many times. But it's one of those missing scenes that every Klaine author just has to try their hand at, because we're so upset that it wasn't done on the show. Cannon compliant. Reviews are very much appreciated.

Set during 4.10, "Glee, Actually." After the ice skating, Blaine and Kurt go back to the loft and go to sleep. At least that was the plan.

* * *

Never Say Goodbye

By Lady Callista

_OoOoOoO_

_"See there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me." -Gretchen Kemp_

_OoOoOoO_

Blaine couldn't sleep.

Bushwick might have been quiet compared to New York city proper, but even at one in the morning there was still traffic noise, and drunken voices drifting up from the street. But it wasn't the noise keeping him awake, or rather not the noise from the street below.

It was the quiet sobbing coming from Kurt's curtained off 'room,' sobbing that the sounds of Brooklyn couldn't quite cover, that had him sitting on the couch rather than laying down on it to sleep. He'd already started to rise half a dozen times, only to sink back down with his face in his hands.

All he wanted was to rush to Kurt, hold him in his arms, and tell him that everything would be all right. He wanted to kiss away his tears, and let his hands trail comfortingly over his back. It was painful, so incredibly painful and difficult and just so wrong, to not be able to cuddle around the man he loved when said man was crying.

But he couldn't, because he didn't have that right anymore.

Well, he might, because they were friends, but with all the history and badness of the past months he wasn't sure exactly if they were at that point yet. Wasn't sure if Kurt would want, or even be able, to take comfort from his presence, or if he would only make things worse.

He knew Kurt hadn't been lying earlier when he said he was good with Blaine being here, because no matter what they had never lied to each other, but there was a difference between hanging out casually -keeping up their Christmas duet tradition- and holding each other in the dark. Even if it was only about comfort.

Another sob echoed through the loft, and his heart broke further even as he wondered how Burt was sleeping through this before remembering that Burt was wearing earplugs against the noise of the city. The thought made his head shoot up. He'd go wake Burt, and let him comfort Kurt. It was the thought of losing Burt that had Kurt crying, Blaine was sure of it, so his dad being there should be exactly what Kurt needed.

Mind made up, he shot to his feet, turning towards Rachel's curtained off area where Burt was currently…not sleeping, he discovered with shock. Burt stood in his flannel pajamas, and even in the dim light Blaine could see the pain on his face and the tension in the hands clutching the open curtains.

But he wasn't looking towards Kurt's curtains, and he wasn't moving in that direction. Instead he was staring directly at Blaine.

Blaine made a gesture of helplessness even as he felt a single tear slide down his cheek.

Burt's only response was to give him a look of encouragement followed by a small nod, unclench his hands from the curtains, and put his earplugs back in before pulling the curtain shut.

Blaine took a deep breath, followed by another, and crossed the loft before he could talk himself out of it. Burt obviously thought he should do this, but even beyond that he simply couldn't stand to listen to the crying for another second without doing something.

It would hurt, a great deal, if Kurt rejected him, but it wouldn't come close to how much he had hurt Kurt, or how much Kurt was hurting now over the thought of losing his dad. And he would much rather he be the one hurting than Kurt.

"Kurt." Blaine's voice was soft, brimming with concern and love that he was incapable of hiding, not that he had ever tried. His hand was on the curtain, but he didn't move it.

The sobbing cut off at once with a gasp, and then his own name was being spoken in reply, the voice broken and hiccupping. And after his name, one simple word, "Please."

Blaine opened the curtain enough to slip through, rapidly taking the few steps to the bed and sitting on the side, his hand going to Kurt's shoulder before the thought even registered to reach out. He barely stopped himself from just laying down and wrapping the curled-up form in his arms. "Do you wan… What can I do?"

The reply was immediate, and certain. "Just… can you hold me, please?"

"I've wanted to since you started crying." Blaine's voice was barely above a whisper as he lay down behind Kurt, intending to spoon up behind him. But Kurt rolled over as the bed shifted, his hand coming to rest lightly on the curve between Blaine's neck and shoulder, and although the familiarity of the movement caused Blaine's heart to ache he rolled to his back automatically, his arms opening and pulling Kurt against his chest, the older boy's ear resting over his heart. Blaine closed his arms around the most precious boy in the world with a deep sigh.

They had hugged earlier, but somehow this was different. Because this was the old them, this was a flash back to the easy comfort and casual closeness they had once shared. This was something they would have never done if they were just friends, but Blaine tucked that hope away to dissect and daydream about later.

He unthinkingly dropped a kiss on Kurt's forehead, not even realizing he had done it until Kurt tensed in his arms. But before he could stammer out an apology Kurt was relaxing again, and then the crying returned.

Blaine tightened his arms, murmuring soothingly as one hand began to rub calming circles on Kurt's back. He leaned down to rest his cheek on Kurt's hair even as he felt the hand on his shoulder clench, gripping his shirt like a lifeline.

"I'm so scared, Blaine." Kurt whispered brokenly between sobs. "My dad, I can't loose him, I don't know what I would do if I lost him."

Blaine continued murmuring comfortingly as Kurt's fears continued to spiral out of him, and finally the crying began to lessen. When at last it stopped, Blaine fell silent as well, although his hands continued their comforting motions.

"I'm so glad you're here." Kurt's voice came softly, and the hand still fisted it Blaine's shirt loosened before letting go completely and sliding up to rest on the warm skin of Blaine's neck, his thumb brushing lightly over Blaine's cheek.

Blaine couldn't suppress a shiver at the achingly familiar contact, and cursed that fact when Kurt's hand quickly withdrew and he felt him starting to move away. He made his arms loosen, forced himself to let the other boy shift, and was surprised when he only moved back a few inches.

His surprise increased when Kurt took his hand, lacing their fingers together, and he carefully made eye contact. Kurt was gazing at him with an expression he couldn't fathom, and he wanted to ask what he was thinking but was afraid to. He held his silence, knowing that he had to let Kurt lead here. Still, he ached to just pull the boy into his arms and never let go.

"I forgot." Kurt whispered, his expression settling on something akin to amazement. "From the instant you laid down until just a second ago, I forgot that we… I mean, that…"

"That I hurt you." Blaine whispered. It was easier than saying _that I cheated on you_, or _that we aren't together anymore_, but it still hurt so much to say out loud. It hurt even more than living, everyday, with the knowledge of what he had done, and how he had destroyed the best relationship in his life and hurt the one person he loved with all his heart and soul.

Kurt nodded minutely. "Let me finish before you say anything, okay?" He saw Blaine give the tiniest smile as he nodded, so he continued. "No matter how much I try to forget, I just can't, and it hurts to think about what you did, but it hurts almost more that I don't have you anymore. It's why I said at Thanksgiving that I'm… that I'm just not there yet. I want to forgive, and I want to trust, so we can really be friends again. There's just always this little, this little bit of pain inside when I see you now, and I didn't know how it could ever go away. But it did, when you were holding me just now. And it wasn't because the pain about my dad was so much more, it was because…"

Blaine held his silence even when Kurt trailed off, knowing he wasn't finished, but it was incredibly difficult.

"It was because it felt exactly like it used to. It felt," Kurt took a deep breath before confessing, "It felt like home, and like when nothing could touch us because we were together."

Blaine didn't know what to say to that, because it had felt the exact same way to him but he was afraid to voice that. Didn't think he had a right to.

Kurt seemed to understand his silence, which wasn't surprising because it had often seemed as if they could read each other's minds and why should that have changed, and he continued softly, "And then I remembered, and the pain is back but I think it's a little bit smaller. And I think maybe it'll keep getting smaller, and that's how it goes away. Time. Time, and being friends again, talking and hanging out again. It's been so strange these past months, because I didn't just lose my boyfriend, but my best friend as well. And I just can't imagine my life without you in it."

"I'll be in your life for as long as you'll let me, in whatever way you want me." Blaine whispered, and it was sincere rather than suggestive.

Kurt's breath hitched, and he drew a deep breath before replying just as softly, "I want us to be best friends again. It can't be more than that, not now and maybe not ever, I just don't know. But I need my best friend, especially now with my dad…"

"I told you I'll keep an eye on him." Blaine soothed when Kurt began to sniffle again. "And you know Carole will, too. They caught it early, Kurt, and his chances are really good."

"I know." Kurt sniffled again, then with visible effort composed himself. "I want to ask you something that I probably shouldn't."

"You can ask anything, Kurt. That'll never change." Blaine said at once, although he was worried about the question he couldn't think of anything he wouldn't do for this boy, no matter how much it hurt him.

"Will you stay with me tonight?" Kurt asked in a voice so hesitant that Blaine actually had to lean in to hear him.

Even then he wondered if he had heard correctly. Holding Kurt was one thing, offering comfort when he was scared and upset was exactly what a friend would do. And as much as he wanted to stay and cuddle while they slept, he hadn't dreamed that Kurt would want that too. It was a step somewhere between being friends and being more, well, sort-of. With their history there was no way they wouldn't have slightly different boundaries and definitions of friendship than most people.

He realized he had been thinking too long when Kurt said his name softly and questioningly.

"Of course." He said at once, adding quietly to make sure Kurt realized he understood what this was, and what it wasn't, "I can't imagine you not being in my life either, Kurt. And I know it may never be the same as it was, I… I understand that it can't be, that you don't feel the same as you used to and I can't blame you at all for that because everything is my fault. But I want my best friend back just like you do, more than almost anything."

He didn't say what the _anything_ was, but he didn't have to, and he saw the hesitation in Kurt's eyes, tried to follow the numerous thoughts he could see flicking through them before Kurt spoke emotionally.

"I may have stopped letting it show Blaine, but I never stopped loving you." Kurt admitted softly, because the honesty between them had always been such a part of who they were and he couldn't bear the flash of deep guilt and pain he had seen. Well, honesty, and trust, which was the problem here. "I tried, god I tried, but I don't think I can. And as much as it hurts right now, I don't think I want to either. I can't stop loving you, but I did stop trusting you. That's why I can't say for sure if we can ever be more again."

"I know, I mean, I understand." Blaine whispered, eyes closing in shame for a second before they opened again, determination flashing through them. He remembered hearing a quote once, about how you knew you loved someone when you wanted them to be happy, even if you weren't a part of their happiness. And he would still be a part of it this way, even if it wasn't the part he wanted. It would hurt, but not as much as being no part. And he would rather he be the one hurting than Kurt. "I've never pushed you into anything Kurt, and I hope you know I never would."

"I do know." Kurt whispered immediately. "I know you, better than probably anyone, and one mistake, no matter how horrible, doesn't change who you are. It's why no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop loving you."

"I never stopped either." Blaine replied, and hated that he couldn't keep the pain from his voice. "Even when…"

"You can say it." Kurt whispered when Blaine trailed off. "I think I need to hear what you were thinking, I think maybe if I can understand it'll help with the pain that's left, cause no matter how hard I've tried I just can't understand. Because I _do_ know you, so well, and of all the things that could happen I never thought of this."

"Even when I cheated, it wasn't about love." Blaine felt as if each word was being wretched out of his very soul. "I mean I, I didn't have a crush on him, I didn't even really want to be with him. I was lonely, and I just went over to his place to talk, and he flirted with me, and one thing lead to another. It was just physical, and that almost makes it worse. Because what we had was so special, and the only reason I have for destroying it is that I'm a stupid teenaged boy who got lonely and let my hormones take over."

"We both knew we'd be lonely this year, Blaine." Kurt countered. "That's why we talked all the time, and skyped, and…"

"But we didn't." The anguish in Blaine's voice was clear. "We did at first, but then you started answering less and less, and even when we did talk it was like you never had time for me. You didn't listen to anything I had to say, you kept cutting me off with stories of how amazing your job was, or your boss, or this or that about how fantastic New York was, and it felt like I didn't matter anymore. Like I'd just been left behind with everything else in Lima, and I couldn't understand how you were so happy when I was miserable without you. I mean, I wanted you to be happy and succeed, of course I did, but I wanted you to still take time for me, too. I needed you to listen, and to talk like we used to, and it was just this downward spiral in my head until…"

Kurt had broken eye contact soon after Blaine started speaking, but Blaine knew it wasn't because he wasn't listening. He could almost see Kurt's mind working, listening to the words even as his thoughts flashed back to the phone calls in question, trying to judge if he agreed with what Blaine was saying.

Blaine stopped talking, very nearly panicking, when he saw tears come to Kurt's eyes. Then his heart stopped when Kurt reached out and gently brushed the backs of his fingers over his cheek. "Oh, sweetheart." Kurt whispered, a few tears sliding down his cheek. "I was just so excited, and I wanted to share it with you. Because you're the person I always tell all those things too. I didn't even realize I wasn't listening, and you have to know I never meant to make you feel that way, but I can see why you did."

"I know you didn't," Blaine absolved at once. "And it doesn't excuse or justify what I did, but it's the reason I did it. I was so lonely, and it was like how I felt last spring, times about a hundred. Like I had to get ready to live without you, completely without you, and I didn't know how to do that. And it was all I could think about, and I was just worried and stressing all the time, and it kept getting bigger and worse in my mind."

"Did you do it because you were mad at me?" Kurt looked shocked that he had asked the question, but once he broached the topic he pushed forward. "Was it like, revenge?"

Blaine shook his head at once, although his eyes slid shut. "It wasn't vengeance; it was solace."

There was a long pause, and Blaine waited with his eyes still closed, barely breathing. He felt a slight movement, and suddenly his eyes flew open when he felt Kurt kiss him ever so lightly on the lips. Kurt was already drawing back, but there was no regret in his eyes.

"All those times you apologized, and I never realized I owed you one, too."

Blaine was very nearly horrified, and rushed out, "That's not what I meant, that's not why I told you, I just…"

Kurt stopped the ramble by brushing their lips together again and Blaine was shocked into silence.

"That doesn't make it any less true." Kurt whispered as he withdrew, brushing his fingers over Blaine's cheek again. "I'm so sorry I made you feel that way, so sorry I hurt you. I thought about you all the time, and I'm sorry I didn't make sure you knew that. I'm sorry you didn't realize that no matter how happy I was, I still missed you with all my heart. I really did mean it about never saying goodbye to you, and I'm sorry it felt like I was."

"Thank you." It was the first thing that came to mind, and it seemed both inadequate and somehow wrong but nothing else came to mind over the staggering wash of relief combined with a lessening of both his pain and his guilt. He knew it wasn't just Kurt that had to forgive him, he had to forgive himself as well, and that was probably going to be harder. But he realized that this was a huge step of the process, for both of them.

"Can you forgive me?"

Blaine thought at first that he had misheard the question, but knew Kurt well enough to quickly realize that he hadn't. Even as hurt as he had been by Blaine's action, now that Kurt knew the reason behind it he felt he needed absolution for his part in it, however unintentional it had been.

"Kurt, there's nothing to forgive." Blaine whispered, a completely different kind of pain in his voice. "I take complete responsibility for my…"

"But you shouldn't." Kurt replied softly. "I know you, and I should have realized what I was doing to you, should have made the time no matter what. You were… you are… the most important person in my life, and you should never have had to doubt that."

"I shouldn't have doubted. I should have trusted you, and what we had together."

"You should have." Kurt nodded briefly. "And that's on you. But we're so young Blaine, we were each other's first relationship, and we both admitted at times that we weren't sure what we were doing, or didn't know how to handle everything. Long distance relationships are _so_ hard, even for people with twice our age and experience. It took both of us to mess this up."

"But what you did is a lot easier to forgive." Blaine replied. "I never blamed you in the first place, and even hearing you take some of the responsibility I'm not sure I agree with you."

"You don't have to agree, but I still feel bad about it." Kurt whispered.

"Then I forgive you." The words came easily, especially since Blaine didn't really believe there was anything to forgive.

"Thank you. I'm sorry I can't say the same yet."

"It's okay." Blaine replied at once, because it was. He completely understood. "I'm just… I'm glad we finally talked about this."

"Me too." Kurt slid back into Blaine's arms then, once again pillowing his head on his chest.

They both sighed lightly as Blaine's arms wrapped around him. Their bodies still fit perfectly together, although it felt strange to have clothes between them instead of bare flesh. They hadn't gotten to sleep the night together often, but when they had there had been nothing between them. But it still felt so perfectly right.

"I think I might have missed this more than almost anything else." Kurt whispered after a long moment.

Blaine could hear the drowsiness in the words, and feel Kurt growing heavier in his arms. It had been a long, emotional day, and crying jags were always exhausting. And so he only hummed in agreement, hands stroking lightly over Kurt's back to help lull him to sleep. As he slowly felt Kurt relax into sleep, he couldn't help dropping another feather light kiss on his forehead. "I love you."

The words were barely a whisper, and he thought Kurt was already asleep, so he was shocked when the words were returned in a distinct and beloved voice. "Love you, too."

Blaine tightened his arms briefly before resuming his soothing ministrations. His heart healed just a little bit more as he heard Kurt murmur, "Best Christmas present ever," before finally drifting off to sleep.

Blaine smiled brightly and although he was tired as well, he simply watched his soul mate sleep as thoughts trailed lazily through his head.

Despite Kurt's words saying that he didn't know if they'd ever be able to be more than friends again, Blaine felt a growing certainty in him. A slowly unfurling hope that had been born at Thanksgiving, and was now growing just slightly faster.

They had already regained so much, Blaine thought, his heart melting as even in sleep Kurt cuddled closer to him. And they had all the time in the world to get back to how they used to be.

_OoOoOoO_

"_And say you'll love me but you need a little time._

_Make me believe that you're still mine._

_Tell me anything, even if it's a lie._

_And never, never say goodbye."_

_-from "Never Say Goodbye" by James Otto_

_OoOoOoO_


End file.
